Christimasse Hath Made An End, Welladay Welladay

2010.12.28
Days Remaining: 154

01. First off, a belated declaration of Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it. Second, a now one-day-late (I started writing this post yesterday, but did not finish) Happy Birthday to my sister, Selena, who is 31 years old as of yesterday. My first memory of Selena ex utero was waking up two mornings after Christmas, having just turned 4, and finding my parents were gone. My maternal aunt (who lived up the street from us at that time) was at the house instead, and I knew that my mom had had the baby. I'd been waiting excitedly for a little brother (this was before ultrasounds made determining a fetus' sex commonplace), already having a little sister (who was then just shy of two years old). When my aunt called my mom to tell her I was awake, my mom told me that I had a little sister, Selena. Wanting a brother instead (I already had a sister, after all), I began to cry. My aunt only made it worse by pointing out that her child, my cousin, was a boy, and so I had him.

02. Thankfully, despite such an inauspicious beginning, Selena has never been a disappointment, and in fact is both extremely accomplished and a very good person. I am very happy and proud to be her brother, and am eternally grateful that she shares her kids' (Iunia and Euander) lives with me. It's strange to reflect on the fact that I remember the day she was born, and now I can remember the days her children were born in turn.

03. Saint Stephen's Day (or Boxing Day, or Second Christmas) is now over, and the holiday season proper is drawing to a close (with the last hurrah of New Years still to come, of course). Christmas was very nice this year, with my family gathering in Wilmington (between Selena's and my parents' houses - only 4 blocks apart) for the various festivities.

04. My favorite part of Christmas is actually Christmas Eve. Starting my sophomore year of college I began a personal custom which still survives, albeit in attenuated form nowadays, of driving around to my friends' homes, dropping off presents and visiting, before heading to my parents' house for the family's gift-exchanges over a buffet dinner. The circuit of visits has decreased steadily as people have moved away from Delaware (and, on a memorial note, as my honorary grandparents have both passed away - they were always the final stop on the circuit, and are still missed anew each Christmas Eve) or developed conflicting schedules that make visiting on that day very difficult to arrange.

05. I had originally intended to post more about Christmas Eve and related festivities, but to be honest I'm not in the mood to continue in that vein. There was a (relatively) heavy snowfall on the night of the 26th, and I shoveled my parents' driveway in the morning before heading over to Selena's house to say goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law (they were returning home to New Hampshire), and then I went to Iuno and Romulus' house to shovel their driveway. I had a lovely time hanging out and talking with them through the afternoon (including a delicious home-cooked lunch), and then returned to Wilmington, where eventually I went back to Selena's house for birthday cake (a Carvel ice cream cake, from which I abstained though Iunia and Euander loved their pieces - Iunia in particular enjoyed having blue-dyed tongue and fingers). Today I had lunch with another friend (blog-name currently in process) at Groucho's sandwich shop in Newark, DE. I haven't seen her in some time, and it was good to have a long conversation on both personal and macro-level topics. Then I poked around on Main Street for a bit, ran into Iunius' mom at the local bank, and headed to Wilmington to watch Iunia and Euander while Momula prepared to attend the viewing and funeral services for one of her former neighbor's fathers. That sounds grim, but from what I gather the bereaved was very happy that my parents attended. Meanwhile, I hung out with Selena and the kids for a bit, then went to Target, Barnes & Noble, and Borders (because why go to one when there are two bookstores?), before heading back to my parents' house.

06. Why the blow-by-blow account of my day? Because I'm thinking right now. A lot. And I'm thinking about things that I don't want to post yet (if at all), and so the event-listing is a way of either distracting myself or reminding myself about the segregation of day-to-day decisions and the larger decisions that I'm in the midst of deciding. I need a job, come May. I need to figure out what to do next with my life. I'm seeing a therapist for various issues (she was originally the marriage counselor for me and my ex-wife, and I liked her enough that I stayed on as a solo patient/client). She and I discussed all of the big changes coming, back in October, and she recommended that I give myself a break, with a clear deadline, before engaging with them (preferably a deadline after the divorce was finalized). That's coming up with January 1, and then the wheel has to start turning again. I don't know what to do, to be honest. For the month of December there was one academic job in my field (at least for the areas of my larger field in which I'm trained) available, and the description makes it clear that they would like someone with a Philosophy degree (because many schools handle Religion under the Philosophy Departments). It's been that bad for a while now, and getting worse.

07. I like my job now. I know it isn't a long-term job. But this is the kind of thing I like to do. And I'm good at it. But there aren't jobs available. I've looked at the education jobs (preferably high school teaching) in Delaware, and there aren't any for which I'm qualified, at least in the public school districts in or around Wilmington. The Pennsylvania districts, at least in counties near northern Delaware, thus far are not looking so hot either (though there are many more of them, so I've got to go through the list completely). The Delaware Charter schools are also turning up no leads. I don't think I'll be teaching in any capacity next year. That kind of breaks my heart. It also, on a less sentimental note, terrifies me, because this is what I've been doing for years now, and what I'd prefer to continue doing. And we are not, in economic terms, in a good place for switching careers wildly.

08. What am I good at? I don't really know. That sounds halfway ridiculous as I say it in my head and look at it on the screen, but it's true. One would think that being generally intelligent, having a good memory, a love of being informed about (and able to contextualize) data, and a strong interest in most parts of the world around me would all count as assets, but in practical terms... I keep reminding myself that Abraham Lincoln and Harry Truman were failed businessmen and lawyers before becoming successful and world-changing individuals. But I'm not that tall, or that short. And, as the year is drawing to an end, the future is very unsteady in my view. Sigh.