2011.01.05
146 Days Remaining
01. I have been working at my desk all night (well, intermixed with watching stuff on Netflix), and eventually turned on iTunes and put it on "shuffle." Eh, I like the music I like, and so I've been singing along merrily (how merrily? fairly merrily, I think). Then a song came on, "A Boat Like Gideon Brown" by Great Big Sea, which made me pause. This is one of my ex-wife's favorite songs, and Great Big Sea is one of her favorite bands (to which he introduced me when we were...I guess you could say "courting" via email. It's a good song, very sweet (it's about a father and son, both fishermen in Newfoundland, who are saving up their money to buy the eponymous boat), and one of my favorites as well. Still...it's the little things some days.
02. I was speaking with Belisarius via gmail-chat yesterday and commenting on the problem of loneliness up here. It's very easy to see no one for several days in a row, and to feel not just lonely but isolated. I'm going to campus tomorrow, for most of the day, to do work there but also just to be around people. While there are many types of loneliness, and I felt some others when married, one thing I rarely felt was completely isolated, even if living with my house-mate was often very difficult. As Belisarius and I discussed, one of the real benefits of moving to Wilmington in May will simply be having a social group available, even if on any given day (or sequence of days) I don't see anyone. Here, not having a social group isn't an option, it's just the way things are.
03. I spoke on the telephone this evening with the husband of one of Selena's former co-workers. He is a religion teacher at Wilmington Friends school, and is retiring at the end of this year. My hope was that this would translate into that school being on the lookout for a replacement, but after our conversation (he is very nice and encouraging, and was very helpful) that school seems unlikely. They are following suit with many schools right now, trying to save money by cutting down on electives and any positions that can be combined are being combined. On the other hand, he said I should send my resume and a letter, just in case, and as Selena pointed out, maybe my qualifications will just blow their minds. He also gave me a list of Friends schools in the Delaware Valley that have stronger (and more secure) Religion programs, and so I'll be contacting them in the next week or so. It would be wonderful if I could continue teaching.
04. Lavinia (for those of you who might be keeping track, Lavinia's husband is currently serving in the Navy in Djibouti, has degrees in Marine Science, a little boy, went to college with Octavius and me, and lives in Newark now - if you still don't know who she is, you probably wouldn't even if I used her real name) and her husband had looked into applying to start a Charter School next year, but had to put that plan on hold due to his deployment. I remain, on some level, ambivalent about Charter Schools because on one hand I see them as removing funding from traditional public education (of which I'm a big fan), and their overall success rates are about the same as public schools (which is to say that they vary wildly; though in Charter Schools' case without any clear patterns or discernible causation beyond any particular school). On the other hand, I grant that many people are frustrated with the state of public education in our country (though I sometimes think that's because we don't really understand the data available to us), and I'm all in favor of experimental schools where different educational strategies are tested and worked out. In fact, over the years (going back at least 6 if not 7 now) I've had an occasional, ongoing, conversation with several of you about what a good school would be, and there's a part of me that would really like to go about designing a school from the ground up.
05. A few years ago I watched the Coen Bros' film The Hudsucker Proxy, the plot of which is too complicated for me to summarize here. The climax of the film occurs when Tim Robbins' character (the aforementioned proxy), having reached a comprehensive nadir in his fortunes, attempts to commit suicide by jumping out of a window (through which another character played by Charles Durning had previously committed suicide - it's a dark comedy). As Robbins' character plunges toward the street below, his fall is arrested mysteriously, and he is approached by the (cognitively disjunctive to see) ghost of Charles Durning, dressed as an angel. Through exposition and backstory unimportant here, deceased-Durning offers Robbins (and the film does a much better job of building up the dramatic tension, as Robbins' character hangs in mid-air, "a second chance" (and some perspective). In my favorite movie, Steve Martin's L.A. Story (funny, but not a comedy in any straightforward way - this is where we start to see Martin's non-comedic artistic self shine, I think), his character, Harris K. Telemacher, is assisted in making right his life by a Freeway Sign (which may or may not be speaking for the entire city of L.A.). At the end of that film, Martin's voice over says, "A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."
06. I've been thinking about those two films off and on for the past few days. I am often cynical, and can be very pessimistic (or at least not hopeful), and I realize that this is often a shield because it is easy to feel wounded and defeated. I try, very hard, not to lose my affection for the world and the people in it, and even when they infuriate me or sadden me, to remember that they are also deserving of love, and that we all make mistakes. I suppose what I find compelling in those films is the externalization and making-visible the hope that we all have, or at least that I know I have and which I suspect we all have at one point or another, for a second chance. To the best of my knowledge, most of us aren't visited by Charles Durning's angel, nor are we spoken to by street signs, but I think that many of us desperately, on one level or another, want there to be someone watching out for us in the big sense, someone who can do what none of our friends or other human beings can normally do: give us the chance to make right what has gone wrong and begin again, clean and bright at the morning.
07. Charles Durning's angel tells Tim Robbins' character that despair looks backward, paying attention to what can't be changed. But I sometimes think that despair is what you feel when the past refuses to stay past, and extends into your present and your future, so that you don't feel like you have a future, just a past always enfolding you.
08. Today I wrote to my Supernatural class's students asking them about scheduling a weekly viewing time for the films they'll need to watch, and if there were any of them interested in trying to do a "ghost hunting" experiment in one of campus' haunted buildings (probably the big dining hall where there have been multiple unrelated eyewitness reports, since its construction several years ago, of a young girl who stands near the ice cream machine but who vanishes if you get to close to her - the hall is built on what used to be a neighborhood, so who knows the history of that spot?). I've only had 3 replies thus far (out of 30 students), but it's vacation, so I'm not expecting a wave of responses. Still, the three were all very positive about the class in general (very anticipatory), and that made me feel good. I'd like to go out with a bang when I leave Baskerville College, and this seems like a good class in which to do so.
09. Selena's blog posting today told how, when trying to get Euander to admit to having written on one of Iunia's pictures, Selena said that she was going to have to watch what had happened in her camera (which of course we all know wasn't on). Apparently, the idea of having been observed all this time by the camera got both the kids to confess to pretty much everything they've ever done wrong (my favorite? Iunia confessed to having hidden, and later eaten, some mints that she got one time at the Olive Garden). All I could hear in my head as I read this was Chunk from Goonies, confessing his life's crimes to the Fratellis: "but the worst thing I ever done..."
10. One last note before bed: L.A. Story has one of the best love scenes I've ever encountered, where Steve Martin's and Victoria Tenant's characters are walking down Melrose in LA and go into some sort of botanical garden. The moment they enter the actual garden Enya's song "On Your Shore" (Enya's album Watermark is lovely and dear to me) begins playing, and the two of them are basically in Some Other Place for the remainder of the scene, which only goes on for another 50 seconds or so, but captures...JRR Tolkien would recognize it. They're in the Perilous Realm, at least for those 50 seconds, where statues move, and the wind loves you, and plants grow in your footsteps as you walk, because life begets life.
11. Maybe someday I'll write about why I love Watermark, and why the statues in that scene in LA Story give me chills.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Mousike
2011.01.02
149 Days Remaining
01. So here we are, in a New Year, and I just finished typing up my 2011 Calendar. For several years now I've made (on Word) a calendar for my own use, with birthdays, anniversaries, (multi-faith) holidays, class schedules, lunar phases, solstices, equinoxes, etc. typed in. As the days go by, I mark time's passing by shading each day. It actually takes a while to do all of this (about 2.5 hours, today), but at the end I feel like I have a decent sense of the year's chronological progression. This year, of course, the certain dates only go through May.
02. Another thought on music; in my previous post I remarked that Arcade Fire's song "Modern Man" falls into a type of music that I find appearing now and again in particular songs. It's a personal genre, if you will. Another song in that type is Wang Chung's "Dance Hall Days," which just came up on my iTunes (one of the virtues of iTunes is the "shuffle" feature, which can surprise me).
03. The video for "Dance Hall Days" demonstrates that in the 80s, even nerdy guys could produce major club hits in the UK and USA. I've occasionally been struck by the slow but steady (if perhaps not completely regular) movement in the entertainment industry to privilege the physically attractive performers, which one would think is somewhat irrelevant for musicians. But the growth of video, I suspect, particularly exacerbated (or perhaps permitted) this development. The various issues people had with Susan Boyle actually proved this by emphasizing her exceptional experience.
04. On the topic of appearance and music, does anyone know if Ke$ha is for real? She was on Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve. I only saw her on the stage with Ryan Seacrest and the various members of the New Kids on the Block and some other boy band. Seacrest was asking people for their resolutions, and her's was "not to be a douchebag." That struck me as a high point of the broadcast, because (vernacular notwithstanding) it's not a bad sentiment. Anyway, Selena commented that Ke$ha is usually high as a kite, and I heard (for the first time, to my knowledge) one of her songs ("Tik Tok") while driving back to New London last night. Curious, I watched two of her videos on YouTube and I can't decide if this is an act or if she's making Tupac's mistake, and living the lifestyle her songs claim. According to an interview I found online, she says it's all an act and not what she does off-camera. After TAing the class on Tupac Shakur, I've been interested in the issue of self/mask in musical performance, especially the extreme instances (gangstas, party girls) where there is clearly a premium put on displaying one's social marginality to the greatest extent possible (short of doing actual porn or killing people on camera).
05. Anyway, onto other matters. One of the things I've commented on in the past is that I often experience my life as a series of lists (primarily as a practical and mnemonic method). Last night and today I went through the lists from the past week and a half: websites, financial transactions, ideas, essays, etc. This is how my life will be re-constructable some day, by me or someone else. By this long chain of information.
06. Some days I just want to scream.
149 Days Remaining
01. So here we are, in a New Year, and I just finished typing up my 2011 Calendar. For several years now I've made (on Word) a calendar for my own use, with birthdays, anniversaries, (multi-faith) holidays, class schedules, lunar phases, solstices, equinoxes, etc. typed in. As the days go by, I mark time's passing by shading each day. It actually takes a while to do all of this (about 2.5 hours, today), but at the end I feel like I have a decent sense of the year's chronological progression. This year, of course, the certain dates only go through May.
02. Another thought on music; in my previous post I remarked that Arcade Fire's song "Modern Man" falls into a type of music that I find appearing now and again in particular songs. It's a personal genre, if you will. Another song in that type is Wang Chung's "Dance Hall Days," which just came up on my iTunes (one of the virtues of iTunes is the "shuffle" feature, which can surprise me).
03. The video for "Dance Hall Days" demonstrates that in the 80s, even nerdy guys could produce major club hits in the UK and USA. I've occasionally been struck by the slow but steady (if perhaps not completely regular) movement in the entertainment industry to privilege the physically attractive performers, which one would think is somewhat irrelevant for musicians. But the growth of video, I suspect, particularly exacerbated (or perhaps permitted) this development. The various issues people had with Susan Boyle actually proved this by emphasizing her exceptional experience.
04. On the topic of appearance and music, does anyone know if Ke$ha is for real? She was on Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve. I only saw her on the stage with Ryan Seacrest and the various members of the New Kids on the Block and some other boy band. Seacrest was asking people for their resolutions, and her's was "not to be a douchebag." That struck me as a high point of the broadcast, because (vernacular notwithstanding) it's not a bad sentiment. Anyway, Selena commented that Ke$ha is usually high as a kite, and I heard (for the first time, to my knowledge) one of her songs ("Tik Tok") while driving back to New London last night. Curious, I watched two of her videos on YouTube and I can't decide if this is an act or if she's making Tupac's mistake, and living the lifestyle her songs claim. According to an interview I found online, she says it's all an act and not what she does off-camera. After TAing the class on Tupac Shakur, I've been interested in the issue of self/mask in musical performance, especially the extreme instances (gangstas, party girls) where there is clearly a premium put on displaying one's social marginality to the greatest extent possible (short of doing actual porn or killing people on camera).
05. Anyway, onto other matters. One of the things I've commented on in the past is that I often experience my life as a series of lists (primarily as a practical and mnemonic method). Last night and today I went through the lists from the past week and a half: websites, financial transactions, ideas, essays, etc. This is how my life will be re-constructable some day, by me or someone else. By this long chain of information.
06. Some days I just want to scream.
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010.12.31
151 Days Remaining
01. So we're down to the final 4.5 hours of 2010 as I type these words (according to my computer, synced to the official US time, it's 19:29. As I'm drafting these remarks I find that many of them are negative in tone or tenor, and so I'm going to revise this (the negative elements will be included, but hopefully not predominant). So, here on the eve of the calendar's turning, let me start with some positive notes, aesthetic, academic, and emotional.
02.01. I recently heard the Arcade Fire's new single, "Modern Man," which very nicely exemplifies a type of music that I find very compelling, sound-wise. Another example of this is Concrete Blonde's achingly lovely and somber (a personal favorite - and their best known song) "Joey." Somehow this music is all dark colors clearly visible and articulate in my mind's eye; it feels strong to me, despite lyrics that are often sad or troubled. I think that there is something dignified about it, rock and roll that isn't shouting or bright but solid. And, to balance out the darkness, last night I overheard my parents watching Wes Anderson's stop-motion film The Fantastic Mr. Fox (based off of a kids' novel by Roald Dahl); the closing credits ran over the song "Let Her Dance" by the Bobby Fuller Four. I can't find a full version on Youtube, but an abbreviated one is here. This is one of the best rockabilly songs I've encountered, and currently emblematizes for me the brightness and joyousness that rock and roll can achieve. So, dark and bright, I love them both. Not a bad way to end one year and start the next, with good music.
02.02. The author of my favorite fan-fiction, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, also published an online essay (very short) on the 12 Virtues of Rationality. They are worth reading, they actually exemplify many of the things that I've been striving to articulate and develop in my own approach to the world as a child (and, I hope, a productively maladjusted one) of the Enlightenment, and which I try to impart, as intellectual values, to my students.
02.03. I had lunch today with Aurelia, at the very nice "Extreme Pizza" restaurant that has only recently opened at the lower end of North Market Street in Wilmington (for those who know the area and are interested in trying it out, it's on the 100 block, just north of Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd). And, before that, I spent a while on gmail chat with Belisarius (aka "Awesome Man" on his own blog: http://www.loudhandle.net/ where I am known as "Shrewsbury"), and was remarking about the ways I have been made a member of several families in addition to my biological one. I spent part of the afternoon talking to Selena and hanging out with her kids, Iunia and Euander, and then at my parents' house chatting sporadically with Momula. Sometimes it is worth remembering that we are surrounded by love, even if at any given moment we don't feel its immediacy. Hugh Grant delivered a surprisingly moving opening voice-over to the film Love Actually, in which he points out that none of the cut-off and frantic phone calls made during the events of 911 were motivated by hatred. In those last moments for all of those people, they wanted to speak with the people they loved more than anything else. Here, at the end of the year, I find it worth remembering that I am lucky to be cared for by so many people, and to care for them.
03. I am not a fan of New Year's for a number of reasons:
03.01. I dislike the disjunction between the civil calendar and the natural world's cycles. As I've remarked earlier, I'd prefer the New Year to coincide with my Yule celebration on 21 December - but that would necessitate reworking the calendar en toto, which project's success would require socio-cultural efficacy far beyond my pay grade. The gap between Christmas and New Year's is actually ritually marked in several folk calendars in Europe as powerful but dangerous: visiting, fortune-telling (when better to predict the future than when it is literally about to begin?), haunting, and demons about in the countryside. But all of that depends on living in near proximity to people, gathering together and playing. In my experience, these final days of the year are more of a winding-down, and feel like they're empty instead of full.
03.02. As a child I far preferred Christmas and found the actual celebration aesthetically and emotionally dull. Not being a drinker, nor a partier in general, New Year's Eve parties have never particularly appealed to me (the few I've been to in my adult life have all confirmed this repeatedly). Again, if I could gather together many of my people, perhaps it would be different. But the holiday itself doesn't particularly inspire me. I find the Solstice much more amenable to such an idea.
03.03. Dick Clark frightens me.
04. This has been a strange and, in many ways, sad year for me and far too many of my people, and for far too many people anywhere. I think that is why the only New Year's song that I have ever particularly liked is on my mind a lot right now: "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" (performed by dozens of singers and groups over the past several decades) is about hope and taking chances for better outcomes. Here's the Persuasion's take on it.
05. So, as the New Year sweeps over the globe today/tonight, I hope that 2011 will be a better year for us all.
151 Days Remaining
01. So we're down to the final 4.5 hours of 2010 as I type these words (according to my computer, synced to the official US time, it's 19:29. As I'm drafting these remarks I find that many of them are negative in tone or tenor, and so I'm going to revise this (the negative elements will be included, but hopefully not predominant). So, here on the eve of the calendar's turning, let me start with some positive notes, aesthetic, academic, and emotional.
02.01. I recently heard the Arcade Fire's new single, "Modern Man," which very nicely exemplifies a type of music that I find very compelling, sound-wise. Another example of this is Concrete Blonde's achingly lovely and somber (a personal favorite - and their best known song) "Joey." Somehow this music is all dark colors clearly visible and articulate in my mind's eye; it feels strong to me, despite lyrics that are often sad or troubled. I think that there is something dignified about it, rock and roll that isn't shouting or bright but solid. And, to balance out the darkness, last night I overheard my parents watching Wes Anderson's stop-motion film The Fantastic Mr. Fox (based off of a kids' novel by Roald Dahl); the closing credits ran over the song "Let Her Dance" by the Bobby Fuller Four. I can't find a full version on Youtube, but an abbreviated one is here. This is one of the best rockabilly songs I've encountered, and currently emblematizes for me the brightness and joyousness that rock and roll can achieve. So, dark and bright, I love them both. Not a bad way to end one year and start the next, with good music.
02.02. The author of my favorite fan-fiction, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, also published an online essay (very short) on the 12 Virtues of Rationality. They are worth reading, they actually exemplify many of the things that I've been striving to articulate and develop in my own approach to the world as a child (and, I hope, a productively maladjusted one) of the Enlightenment, and which I try to impart, as intellectual values, to my students.
02.03. I had lunch today with Aurelia, at the very nice "Extreme Pizza" restaurant that has only recently opened at the lower end of North Market Street in Wilmington (for those who know the area and are interested in trying it out, it's on the 100 block, just north of Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd). And, before that, I spent a while on gmail chat with Belisarius (aka "Awesome Man" on his own blog: http://www.loudhandle.net/ where I am known as "Shrewsbury"), and was remarking about the ways I have been made a member of several families in addition to my biological one. I spent part of the afternoon talking to Selena and hanging out with her kids, Iunia and Euander, and then at my parents' house chatting sporadically with Momula. Sometimes it is worth remembering that we are surrounded by love, even if at any given moment we don't feel its immediacy. Hugh Grant delivered a surprisingly moving opening voice-over to the film Love Actually, in which he points out that none of the cut-off and frantic phone calls made during the events of 911 were motivated by hatred. In those last moments for all of those people, they wanted to speak with the people they loved more than anything else. Here, at the end of the year, I find it worth remembering that I am lucky to be cared for by so many people, and to care for them.
03. I am not a fan of New Year's for a number of reasons:
03.01. I dislike the disjunction between the civil calendar and the natural world's cycles. As I've remarked earlier, I'd prefer the New Year to coincide with my Yule celebration on 21 December - but that would necessitate reworking the calendar en toto, which project's success would require socio-cultural efficacy far beyond my pay grade. The gap between Christmas and New Year's is actually ritually marked in several folk calendars in Europe as powerful but dangerous: visiting, fortune-telling (when better to predict the future than when it is literally about to begin?), haunting, and demons about in the countryside. But all of that depends on living in near proximity to people, gathering together and playing. In my experience, these final days of the year are more of a winding-down, and feel like they're empty instead of full.
03.02. As a child I far preferred Christmas and found the actual celebration aesthetically and emotionally dull. Not being a drinker, nor a partier in general, New Year's Eve parties have never particularly appealed to me (the few I've been to in my adult life have all confirmed this repeatedly). Again, if I could gather together many of my people, perhaps it would be different. But the holiday itself doesn't particularly inspire me. I find the Solstice much more amenable to such an idea.
03.03. Dick Clark frightens me.
04. This has been a strange and, in many ways, sad year for me and far too many of my people, and for far too many people anywhere. I think that is why the only New Year's song that I have ever particularly liked is on my mind a lot right now: "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" (performed by dozens of singers and groups over the past several decades) is about hope and taking chances for better outcomes. Here's the Persuasion's take on it.
05. So, as the New Year sweeps over the globe today/tonight, I hope that 2011 will be a better year for us all.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christimasse Hath Made An End, Welladay Welladay
2010.12.28
Days Remaining: 154
01. First off, a belated declaration of Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it. Second, a now one-day-late (I started writing this post yesterday, but did not finish) Happy Birthday to my sister, Selena, who is 31 years old as of yesterday. My first memory of Selena ex utero was waking up two mornings after Christmas, having just turned 4, and finding my parents were gone. My maternal aunt (who lived up the street from us at that time) was at the house instead, and I knew that my mom had had the baby. I'd been waiting excitedly for a little brother (this was before ultrasounds made determining a fetus' sex commonplace), already having a little sister (who was then just shy of two years old). When my aunt called my mom to tell her I was awake, my mom told me that I had a little sister, Selena. Wanting a brother instead (I already had a sister, after all), I began to cry. My aunt only made it worse by pointing out that her child, my cousin, was a boy, and so I had him.
02. Thankfully, despite such an inauspicious beginning, Selena has never been a disappointment, and in fact is both extremely accomplished and a very good person. I am very happy and proud to be her brother, and am eternally grateful that she shares her kids' (Iunia and Euander) lives with me. It's strange to reflect on the fact that I remember the day she was born, and now I can remember the days her children were born in turn.
03. Saint Stephen's Day (or Boxing Day, or Second Christmas) is now over, and the holiday season proper is drawing to a close (with the last hurrah of New Years still to come, of course). Christmas was very nice this year, with my family gathering in Wilmington (between Selena's and my parents' houses - only 4 blocks apart) for the various festivities.
04. My favorite part of Christmas is actually Christmas Eve. Starting my sophomore year of college I began a personal custom which still survives, albeit in attenuated form nowadays, of driving around to my friends' homes, dropping off presents and visiting, before heading to my parents' house for the family's gift-exchanges over a buffet dinner. The circuit of visits has decreased steadily as people have moved away from Delaware (and, on a memorial note, as my honorary grandparents have both passed away - they were always the final stop on the circuit, and are still missed anew each Christmas Eve) or developed conflicting schedules that make visiting on that day very difficult to arrange.
05. I had originally intended to post more about Christmas Eve and related festivities, but to be honest I'm not in the mood to continue in that vein. There was a (relatively) heavy snowfall on the night of the 26th, and I shoveled my parents' driveway in the morning before heading over to Selena's house to say goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law (they were returning home to New Hampshire), and then I went to Iuno and Romulus' house to shovel their driveway. I had a lovely time hanging out and talking with them through the afternoon (including a delicious home-cooked lunch), and then returned to Wilmington, where eventually I went back to Selena's house for birthday cake (a Carvel ice cream cake, from which I abstained though Iunia and Euander loved their pieces - Iunia in particular enjoyed having blue-dyed tongue and fingers). Today I had lunch with another friend (blog-name currently in process) at Groucho's sandwich shop in Newark, DE. I haven't seen her in some time, and it was good to have a long conversation on both personal and macro-level topics. Then I poked around on Main Street for a bit, ran into Iunius' mom at the local bank, and headed to Wilmington to watch Iunia and Euander while Momula prepared to attend the viewing and funeral services for one of her former neighbor's fathers. That sounds grim, but from what I gather the bereaved was very happy that my parents attended. Meanwhile, I hung out with Selena and the kids for a bit, then went to Target, Barnes & Noble, and Borders (because why go to one when there are two bookstores?), before heading back to my parents' house.
06. Why the blow-by-blow account of my day? Because I'm thinking right now. A lot. And I'm thinking about things that I don't want to post yet (if at all), and so the event-listing is a way of either distracting myself or reminding myself about the segregation of day-to-day decisions and the larger decisions that I'm in the midst of deciding. I need a job, come May. I need to figure out what to do next with my life. I'm seeing a therapist for various issues (she was originally the marriage counselor for me and my ex-wife, and I liked her enough that I stayed on as a solo patient/client). She and I discussed all of the big changes coming, back in October, and she recommended that I give myself a break, with a clear deadline, before engaging with them (preferably a deadline after the divorce was finalized). That's coming up with January 1, and then the wheel has to start turning again. I don't know what to do, to be honest. For the month of December there was one academic job in my field (at least for the areas of my larger field in which I'm trained) available, and the description makes it clear that they would like someone with a Philosophy degree (because many schools handle Religion under the Philosophy Departments). It's been that bad for a while now, and getting worse.
07. I like my job now. I know it isn't a long-term job. But this is the kind of thing I like to do. And I'm good at it. But there aren't jobs available. I've looked at the education jobs (preferably high school teaching) in Delaware, and there aren't any for which I'm qualified, at least in the public school districts in or around Wilmington. The Pennsylvania districts, at least in counties near northern Delaware, thus far are not looking so hot either (though there are many more of them, so I've got to go through the list completely). The Delaware Charter schools are also turning up no leads. I don't think I'll be teaching in any capacity next year. That kind of breaks my heart. It also, on a less sentimental note, terrifies me, because this is what I've been doing for years now, and what I'd prefer to continue doing. And we are not, in economic terms, in a good place for switching careers wildly.
08. What am I good at? I don't really know. That sounds halfway ridiculous as I say it in my head and look at it on the screen, but it's true. One would think that being generally intelligent, having a good memory, a love of being informed about (and able to contextualize) data, and a strong interest in most parts of the world around me would all count as assets, but in practical terms... I keep reminding myself that Abraham Lincoln and Harry Truman were failed businessmen and lawyers before becoming successful and world-changing individuals. But I'm not that tall, or that short. And, as the year is drawing to an end, the future is very unsteady in my view. Sigh.
Days Remaining: 154
01. First off, a belated declaration of Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it. Second, a now one-day-late (I started writing this post yesterday, but did not finish) Happy Birthday to my sister, Selena, who is 31 years old as of yesterday. My first memory of Selena ex utero was waking up two mornings after Christmas, having just turned 4, and finding my parents were gone. My maternal aunt (who lived up the street from us at that time) was at the house instead, and I knew that my mom had had the baby. I'd been waiting excitedly for a little brother (this was before ultrasounds made determining a fetus' sex commonplace), already having a little sister (who was then just shy of two years old). When my aunt called my mom to tell her I was awake, my mom told me that I had a little sister, Selena. Wanting a brother instead (I already had a sister, after all), I began to cry. My aunt only made it worse by pointing out that her child, my cousin, was a boy, and so I had him.
02. Thankfully, despite such an inauspicious beginning, Selena has never been a disappointment, and in fact is both extremely accomplished and a very good person. I am very happy and proud to be her brother, and am eternally grateful that she shares her kids' (Iunia and Euander) lives with me. It's strange to reflect on the fact that I remember the day she was born, and now I can remember the days her children were born in turn.
03. Saint Stephen's Day (or Boxing Day, or Second Christmas) is now over, and the holiday season proper is drawing to a close (with the last hurrah of New Years still to come, of course). Christmas was very nice this year, with my family gathering in Wilmington (between Selena's and my parents' houses - only 4 blocks apart) for the various festivities.
04. My favorite part of Christmas is actually Christmas Eve. Starting my sophomore year of college I began a personal custom which still survives, albeit in attenuated form nowadays, of driving around to my friends' homes, dropping off presents and visiting, before heading to my parents' house for the family's gift-exchanges over a buffet dinner. The circuit of visits has decreased steadily as people have moved away from Delaware (and, on a memorial note, as my honorary grandparents have both passed away - they were always the final stop on the circuit, and are still missed anew each Christmas Eve) or developed conflicting schedules that make visiting on that day very difficult to arrange.
05. I had originally intended to post more about Christmas Eve and related festivities, but to be honest I'm not in the mood to continue in that vein. There was a (relatively) heavy snowfall on the night of the 26th, and I shoveled my parents' driveway in the morning before heading over to Selena's house to say goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law (they were returning home to New Hampshire), and then I went to Iuno and Romulus' house to shovel their driveway. I had a lovely time hanging out and talking with them through the afternoon (including a delicious home-cooked lunch), and then returned to Wilmington, where eventually I went back to Selena's house for birthday cake (a Carvel ice cream cake, from which I abstained though Iunia and Euander loved their pieces - Iunia in particular enjoyed having blue-dyed tongue and fingers). Today I had lunch with another friend (blog-name currently in process) at Groucho's sandwich shop in Newark, DE. I haven't seen her in some time, and it was good to have a long conversation on both personal and macro-level topics. Then I poked around on Main Street for a bit, ran into Iunius' mom at the local bank, and headed to Wilmington to watch Iunia and Euander while Momula prepared to attend the viewing and funeral services for one of her former neighbor's fathers. That sounds grim, but from what I gather the bereaved was very happy that my parents attended. Meanwhile, I hung out with Selena and the kids for a bit, then went to Target, Barnes & Noble, and Borders (because why go to one when there are two bookstores?), before heading back to my parents' house.
06. Why the blow-by-blow account of my day? Because I'm thinking right now. A lot. And I'm thinking about things that I don't want to post yet (if at all), and so the event-listing is a way of either distracting myself or reminding myself about the segregation of day-to-day decisions and the larger decisions that I'm in the midst of deciding. I need a job, come May. I need to figure out what to do next with my life. I'm seeing a therapist for various issues (she was originally the marriage counselor for me and my ex-wife, and I liked her enough that I stayed on as a solo patient/client). She and I discussed all of the big changes coming, back in October, and she recommended that I give myself a break, with a clear deadline, before engaging with them (preferably a deadline after the divorce was finalized). That's coming up with January 1, and then the wheel has to start turning again. I don't know what to do, to be honest. For the month of December there was one academic job in my field (at least for the areas of my larger field in which I'm trained) available, and the description makes it clear that they would like someone with a Philosophy degree (because many schools handle Religion under the Philosophy Departments). It's been that bad for a while now, and getting worse.
07. I like my job now. I know it isn't a long-term job. But this is the kind of thing I like to do. And I'm good at it. But there aren't jobs available. I've looked at the education jobs (preferably high school teaching) in Delaware, and there aren't any for which I'm qualified, at least in the public school districts in or around Wilmington. The Pennsylvania districts, at least in counties near northern Delaware, thus far are not looking so hot either (though there are many more of them, so I've got to go through the list completely). The Delaware Charter schools are also turning up no leads. I don't think I'll be teaching in any capacity next year. That kind of breaks my heart. It also, on a less sentimental note, terrifies me, because this is what I've been doing for years now, and what I'd prefer to continue doing. And we are not, in economic terms, in a good place for switching careers wildly.
08. What am I good at? I don't really know. That sounds halfway ridiculous as I say it in my head and look at it on the screen, but it's true. One would think that being generally intelligent, having a good memory, a love of being informed about (and able to contextualize) data, and a strong interest in most parts of the world around me would all count as assets, but in practical terms... I keep reminding myself that Abraham Lincoln and Harry Truman were failed businessmen and lawyers before becoming successful and world-changing individuals. But I'm not that tall, or that short. And, as the year is drawing to an end, the future is very unsteady in my view. Sigh.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Divorced
2010.12.21
Days Remaining: 161
01. Today I officially divorced my wife of 4 years and 2 months (to the day). I met my two witnesses at noon in Providence, RI, and we had a very nice Thai lunch. We went to the courthouse (arriving 15 minutes early) and at 2pm the bailiff let us into the courtroom. Once the judge came in we had to wait for a clerk to be sent up for the hearing, but once she arrived I went through the procedural questions (name, reasons for divorce, were there any children, etc.). This took approximately 10 minutes, then the judge (who, remember, was kind enough to come in on a day off especially for this hearing after the snafu on Friday) asked me a few questions, then my witnesses were sworn in and verified that I had lived in Providence for a year, and then he rendered his judgment (saying that divorce was granted).
02. I need to file the final paperwork (I have 30 days from today in which to do so), and cannot do that until I get the transcript from the stenographer, which will be available next week (when I'm in Delaware). So when I come back up to New Aldwych at the beginning of January I'll need to drive one last time to Providence, where I'll get the transcript, fill out the paperwork, and file it. And that will be that.
03. I had a moment of difficulty when the judge asked me if there was any chance of reconciliation and I said, "No." I don't think there is, but it was a moment of absolute, no options, no return. This was the right thing to do, but I still cried a little (very quietly, and my eyes dried out almost instantly) as the judge rendered judgment and said, "The Plaintiff's petition for divorce is hereby granted." I'm so sorry that this is how things between myself and my ex-wife ended up. I remember our first email exchanges, and part of me can't believe that, 5 years later, we've been married and divorced.
04. One of my witnesses (I haven't seen her since before the separation) asked if I had kept Mo, the orange-and-white cat we adopted, and I explained that I had let him stay with my ex-wife, not desiring to separate him from her cat, Jasper. I've talked a lot more about missing Herman, the best dog in the world, but I miss my little guy, Mo, a lot as well. He just wasn't a cuddling cat, ever, and so his day-to-day absence is felt in other ways. But today I miss my cat, and I miss my dog, and I even miss my ex-wife, and the life we could have had together in a different world.
05. I was right to get a divorce, and I still have never doubted that, but I'm so very sorry that it was the right thing to do.
Days Remaining: 161
01. Today I officially divorced my wife of 4 years and 2 months (to the day). I met my two witnesses at noon in Providence, RI, and we had a very nice Thai lunch. We went to the courthouse (arriving 15 minutes early) and at 2pm the bailiff let us into the courtroom. Once the judge came in we had to wait for a clerk to be sent up for the hearing, but once she arrived I went through the procedural questions (name, reasons for divorce, were there any children, etc.). This took approximately 10 minutes, then the judge (who, remember, was kind enough to come in on a day off especially for this hearing after the snafu on Friday) asked me a few questions, then my witnesses were sworn in and verified that I had lived in Providence for a year, and then he rendered his judgment (saying that divorce was granted).
02. I need to file the final paperwork (I have 30 days from today in which to do so), and cannot do that until I get the transcript from the stenographer, which will be available next week (when I'm in Delaware). So when I come back up to New Aldwych at the beginning of January I'll need to drive one last time to Providence, where I'll get the transcript, fill out the paperwork, and file it. And that will be that.
03. I had a moment of difficulty when the judge asked me if there was any chance of reconciliation and I said, "No." I don't think there is, but it was a moment of absolute, no options, no return. This was the right thing to do, but I still cried a little (very quietly, and my eyes dried out almost instantly) as the judge rendered judgment and said, "The Plaintiff's petition for divorce is hereby granted." I'm so sorry that this is how things between myself and my ex-wife ended up. I remember our first email exchanges, and part of me can't believe that, 5 years later, we've been married and divorced.
04. One of my witnesses (I haven't seen her since before the separation) asked if I had kept Mo, the orange-and-white cat we adopted, and I explained that I had let him stay with my ex-wife, not desiring to separate him from her cat, Jasper. I've talked a lot more about missing Herman, the best dog in the world, but I miss my little guy, Mo, a lot as well. He just wasn't a cuddling cat, ever, and so his day-to-day absence is felt in other ways. But today I miss my cat, and I miss my dog, and I even miss my ex-wife, and the life we could have had together in a different world.
05. I was right to get a divorce, and I still have never doubted that, but I'm so very sorry that it was the right thing to do.
The Longest Night Of The Year
2010.12.21 Winter Solstice
Days Remaining: 161
01. I think, as I've mentioned before, that the historical origins of Christmas have to do with marking time, particularly the Winter Solstice. That's tonight, at approximately 1138pm EST. We'll be as far away from the sun at that moment as we ever will in the solar year. Tonight is the Longest Night, the moment when the solar cycle reaches its furthest declension and the new cycle begins.
02. In my perfect world this is the night we'd celebrate Christmas (in fact, when Julius Caesar reformed the Roman Calendar, the Winter Solstice was on 25 December, which is why that date was the festival of Natalis Solis Invictus ("birth of the invincible sun"), and that festival is why the Christians in the 4th Century picked that day to celebrate the birth of Jesus (whose actual birthdate is completely unknown). In fact, since I'm not a Christian, this is the night I'd celebrate Yule. Since human calendars have drifted in relation to the astronomical calendar (which is far more reliable), I prefer to base festival dating on astronomical cycles. So tonight, for me, is the actual holiday. I'm not doing anything to celebrate it as such, but I paused at sunset as we move into the longest night, and if I weren't so tired I'd try to wake up tomorrow for sunrise as the astronomical new year starts.
03. Robertson Davies, the Canadian author, was Master of a college (Canadian universities are organized like British universities into colleges as housing, administrative and pedagogical units, unlike US universities where they're primarily administrative and disciplinary in nature) which had an annual holiday party (before everyone went home) called "Gaudy Night." He wrote a series of short stories (one each year) that were read aloud at the party, and they were collected after he died. Interestingly, in light of my earlier post about A Christmas Carol, they were all ghost stories, though none of them were Dickensian in character or tone.
04. The term gaudy is derived from the Latin gaudium and Old French gaudie, meaning "merry-making" or "enjoyment." There is a medieval carol entitled "Gaudete" which is the imperative form of the verb meaning "Rejoice!" In my imaginary alternate holiday, one of the other names for 21 December is Gaudy Night, the night for rejoicing as the year rolls on and anew. The longest night should be full of ghosts, singing, feasting and visiting. We should burn candles and bonfires as we appreciate the darkness for making the light all the brighter.
05. And, conveniently, we have 12 days from now until New Year's, so we could even have 12 days of Yuletide, officially.
06. And that's about it. Happy New Year to the Sun, and to us all.
Days Remaining: 161
01. I think, as I've mentioned before, that the historical origins of Christmas have to do with marking time, particularly the Winter Solstice. That's tonight, at approximately 1138pm EST. We'll be as far away from the sun at that moment as we ever will in the solar year. Tonight is the Longest Night, the moment when the solar cycle reaches its furthest declension and the new cycle begins.
02. In my perfect world this is the night we'd celebrate Christmas (in fact, when Julius Caesar reformed the Roman Calendar, the Winter Solstice was on 25 December, which is why that date was the festival of Natalis Solis Invictus ("birth of the invincible sun"), and that festival is why the Christians in the 4th Century picked that day to celebrate the birth of Jesus (whose actual birthdate is completely unknown). In fact, since I'm not a Christian, this is the night I'd celebrate Yule. Since human calendars have drifted in relation to the astronomical calendar (which is far more reliable), I prefer to base festival dating on astronomical cycles. So tonight, for me, is the actual holiday. I'm not doing anything to celebrate it as such, but I paused at sunset as we move into the longest night, and if I weren't so tired I'd try to wake up tomorrow for sunrise as the astronomical new year starts.
03. Robertson Davies, the Canadian author, was Master of a college (Canadian universities are organized like British universities into colleges as housing, administrative and pedagogical units, unlike US universities where they're primarily administrative and disciplinary in nature) which had an annual holiday party (before everyone went home) called "Gaudy Night." He wrote a series of short stories (one each year) that were read aloud at the party, and they were collected after he died. Interestingly, in light of my earlier post about A Christmas Carol, they were all ghost stories, though none of them were Dickensian in character or tone.
04. The term gaudy is derived from the Latin gaudium and Old French gaudie, meaning "merry-making" or "enjoyment." There is a medieval carol entitled "Gaudete" which is the imperative form of the verb meaning "Rejoice!" In my imaginary alternate holiday, one of the other names for 21 December is Gaudy Night, the night for rejoicing as the year rolls on and anew. The longest night should be full of ghosts, singing, feasting and visiting. We should burn candles and bonfires as we appreciate the darkness for making the light all the brighter.
05. And, conveniently, we have 12 days from now until New Year's, so we could even have 12 days of Yuletide, officially.
06. And that's about it. Happy New Year to the Sun, and to us all.
Monday, December 20, 2010
On the Eve of the Shortest Day of the Year
2010.12.20
Days Remaining: 162
01. Just a minor amusing thing. There is an article on the "history of eggnog" currently posted on Yahoo's main page, and the author cites various other websites' accounts of why the drink is called eggnog. One of those other websites is the AARP, which in turn cites Mental Floss (http://www.aarp.org/food/recipes/news-12-2010/eggnog_what_you_need_to_know.html), where they discuss the fact that George Washington's recipe for eggnog included rye whiskey, rum, and sherry. What made me laugh out loud is that they then comment "nobody could tell a lie after having a few cups of that." I don't know why that struck me as so funny, but it was the sort of aside that I wasn't expecting, and is all the more appreciated.
02. Today I had a lunch meeting with the Philosophy Department of Baskerville College, at the nearby "Panda Buffet." It was very nice and relaxing, and we discussed various students' progress, overall course issues, and some of the intellectual debates that have arisen in and after classes this semester. It was very collegial and enjoyable, and underscored for me the ideal virtues of an academic department: camaraderie, shared intellectual interests, shared institutional interests (the classes and students), and the ability to work together, even informally.
03. Afterward, I spent some time on campus photocopying two Interlibrary Loan books which arrived last week and which are due back by 31 December (I won't be here then). The general atmosphere on campus (where most students have already left, though finals are not over until Wednesday at noon) was quietly festive, with people working but cheerful and the professors were all, grading notwithstanding, in fairly good spirits. It also helped the holiday mood that the sky was snowy-looking and lowering all day, though nothing actually fell.
04. And now I'm back in my apartment, commenting on rough drafts and collecting final drafts as they're sent to me. Tomorrow is the 2nd try at the divorce hearing. I'm meeting my two witnesses at noon in Providence for lunch, and the hearing is at 2pm. It shouldn't take more than 30 minutes, and then I should be back here by 4pm. And that will be that. Fingers crossed.
Days Remaining: 162
01. Just a minor amusing thing. There is an article on the "history of eggnog" currently posted on Yahoo's main page, and the author cites various other websites' accounts of why the drink is called eggnog. One of those other websites is the AARP, which in turn cites Mental Floss (http://www.aarp.org/food/recipes/news-12-2010/eggnog_what_you_need_to_know.html), where they discuss the fact that George Washington's recipe for eggnog included rye whiskey, rum, and sherry. What made me laugh out loud is that they then comment "nobody could tell a lie after having a few cups of that." I don't know why that struck me as so funny, but it was the sort of aside that I wasn't expecting, and is all the more appreciated.
02. Today I had a lunch meeting with the Philosophy Department of Baskerville College, at the nearby "Panda Buffet." It was very nice and relaxing, and we discussed various students' progress, overall course issues, and some of the intellectual debates that have arisen in and after classes this semester. It was very collegial and enjoyable, and underscored for me the ideal virtues of an academic department: camaraderie, shared intellectual interests, shared institutional interests (the classes and students), and the ability to work together, even informally.
03. Afterward, I spent some time on campus photocopying two Interlibrary Loan books which arrived last week and which are due back by 31 December (I won't be here then). The general atmosphere on campus (where most students have already left, though finals are not over until Wednesday at noon) was quietly festive, with people working but cheerful and the professors were all, grading notwithstanding, in fairly good spirits. It also helped the holiday mood that the sky was snowy-looking and lowering all day, though nothing actually fell.
04. And now I'm back in my apartment, commenting on rough drafts and collecting final drafts as they're sent to me. Tomorrow is the 2nd try at the divorce hearing. I'm meeting my two witnesses at noon in Providence for lunch, and the hearing is at 2pm. It shouldn't take more than 30 minutes, and then I should be back here by 4pm. And that will be that. Fingers crossed.
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